No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
no
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”