3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
You Might Also Like
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
When ur friends with white people
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I only eat vegetarians.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.