If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
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I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
do horses think humans are hats
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
#Caturday
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll