Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
That de-escalated quickly
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Breakfast for Stoners:
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.