My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
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NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
O Wise One….
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE