McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.