We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*