The horror. The apostrophe’s.
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.