To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
“How’s your day going?”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long