people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.