*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
me and the Superbowl rn
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man