I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
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I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.