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Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Ummm
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic