I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.