I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I’m calling the cops.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.