If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher