If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
You Might Also Like
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
At least my masseuse has my back.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*