Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge