[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
🤣🤣🤣
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
You are what you delete.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.