An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
my fav colour is also hitler
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”