First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
grotesque if literal: baby food
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*