How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Blew out my flip flop…
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
This took me a second..
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
oh my gosh!!
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen