Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant