I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
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ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
? 💀
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.