Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200