*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
You Might Also Like
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies