I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
The Birdles
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.