Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
This made me chuckle.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-