Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
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Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist