I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
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HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Based Erika
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.