[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
You Might Also Like
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…