Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
You Might Also Like
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
A bold strategy
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
incredible
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.