Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
me adding lol on a serious message
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ