I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.