My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.