Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.