“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke