This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Finally! 😈
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person