Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.