i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
You Might Also Like
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.