Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
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DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?