Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
me and my fake scenarios
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes