馃惀馃悾
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I鈥檓 going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it鈥檚 my turn
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
You never know how strong you are鈥ntil your power steering goes out.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sof铆a Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That鈥檚 enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Date: Don鈥檛 tell anyone we met online. It鈥檚 embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where鈥檇 you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M鈥檚.
Me: I can鈥檛 eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it鈥檚 too dark to separate them by color.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn鈥檛 sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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