Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Holy crap this is wonderful
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?