HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.