(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
my sentiments exactly
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!