Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.