My body is a temple
for potatoes.
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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…