12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up