scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.